No visible scar

No visible scar helped me to understand the experiences of my neighbour's family, when he died of covid-19 at the start of the pandemic. I tried vainly to show respect and to support his widow and daughter.  But as they left for a funeral with only themselves and their Church Minister present, all I could do was wave discreetly from across the road.  Their aloneness must have added greatly to their anguish.

This author is a Church Minister and he has seen this anguish first hand.  But he has known personal grief too, for his 53 year old wife died just a few years earlier.  He describes grief as ‘a deep wound with no visible scar’, hence the title.  But for the bereaved during the pandemic, this scar was even less visible, with nobody there to hold their hand or hear their cry.  He starkly describes what many have experienced:

‘Often, a loved one has disappeared in a flash of blue lights and a haze of plastic visors and masks never to be seen again.  Covid-19 restrictions have meant that bedside conversations, let alone a last embrace, have been out of the question.  To be at home while a loved one is in hospital is always an acute source of anxiety.  Usually, though, that anxiety can be assuaged by each permitted visiting time.  We lurch from each hospital visit to the next, longing to see for ourselves how the person we love is doing.’

Richard Littledale writes No visible scar sensitively.  12 bite size chapters cover various aspects of this particular experience of bereavement.  Eg whether the person died of covid-19, or during covid-19, we are all aware that loved ones could not be present to hug or say goodbye.  But are we aware of their possible guilt over that?  Then what about the funeral?  Apart from a tiny attendance, the service was of necessity short and simple with none of the usual choices.  But awful choices had to be decided about ‘who made the cut’ to attend.  Close family abroad could only watch their dear one’s ‘send off’ on the same computer screen that they used for work.

Afterwards they had the feeling that their loss had disappeared into the daily covid-19 statistics.  The inability of others to visit exacerbated confinement in a house where their loved one is now missing.  It wasn't even possible to go out to a beauty spot or eating place favoured by their loved one.  After a bereavement, facing the world again is always difficult.  But it's been even more so for those with the double whammy of cocooning and loss.  As society opens up, they may even discover that, with working from home, colleagues have not heard about their loss.

Recognition of pain always eases it a little.  So this booklet acknowledges the special anguish of death and grief during the pandemic.  It’s suitable to give to any friend or acquaintance.  It is a great resource for Church Ministers, Chaplains and undertakers.  Please see discounts above for larger quantities.

Richard Littledale is a Church Minister, who has walked members of his congregation through bereavement, both before and during the pandemic.  In his studies, he focused particularly on grief and bereavement.  But he also writes from personal experience, having lost his own wife Fiona to cancer in 2017.